I have long wondered what it feels like,
to feel pain.
Physical pain,
inflicted by my own will and intention.
To be specific,
a razor cutting into my my skin.
But alas, I have never had the guts to actually try it.
But I have intended to, countless times.

She used to do it.
This girl,
my girl,
the girl I want to marry.
The girl i want to spend the rest of my remaining decades with.
I still remember when I saw the marks on her wrist,
and all over her arm.

I kissed her on her scars.
Not only because I accept her for her past,
but mainly because she has remained strong through her almost 18 years of living.
I told her "Never again." as my glance shifted from her wounds to her eyes.
She gave me a smile.
A smile filled with love and acceptance.
A smile worth a thousand words,
A smile I would die for to be able to see everyday.

I will never forget that smile.
Because that smile was for me.
I want to make her smile like that all the time.
And make her feel like there is no more pain left waiting for her.

Time flew by.
And a day came when she said,
"I have the urge to cut."
I shattered on the inside
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach.

I felt as if i had failed her as a partner.
I had failed as a boyfriend.
There was nothing i could do.
Because I was here and she was there.

I wanted to call, but i was in the middle of my mother and grandmother.
But i made a hasty escape to the kitchen and i dialled.
When i heard her voice, i felt the weight lift off my shoulders,
but when she said she had to go, the weight came back, tenfold.

Now i sit here alone in my room.
Again.
I can only imagine what she is doing.
I want her to be happy.
I want her to be safe.
I want her to know that i am here for her.
I am her rock.
and she is mine.

Through Heaven, Hell and back.
Through all the bullshit.
We are a team.
Oliveu...
forever and always.

Behind My Smile

She will never know what lies behind my smile.
A smile so convincing you would never think twice.
Like a mask, so real.
As real as the morning sky is blue.
That, being an illusion.

I smiled as she walked away.
Nothing more than what most of us call 'just a friend'.
As our hands stopped waving
and the view of her left my gaze,
it started to set in.

The loneliness, it creeped up from behind.
As it lightly gripped my shoulders in its bloodless hands.
I knew it would come back eventually.
Entering my soul and filling it with an empty body.

An unknown body of darkness,
its skin as hard as stone.
Yet, with a core so meaningless, but at the same time , dense.
Dense with its vastly barren plane.
A plane which does not exist,
leaving an undesirable shadow,
indented into my starved emotions.


"I wish I was as happy as you." Her final words before she left.
That voice of hers ringed in my head.
If only you knew what lies behind my smile.
But alas, you will never know.

One

Sometimes you feel that a person you were once so close with has abandoned you , forgotten about you, walked away.. But has there ever been a moment where you ask yourself.."am i the one who walked away?? Have i done the same to anybody else?" There is still time. Its never too late to put your pride aside. One word , is enough. One action , is all it takes. 

Watching

A dim light shines in the night sky.
The moon , it seems,
casts an eerie glow upon all of its spectators.
Like a blanket of glowing dust,
evenly spread throughout the misty planes.

I sit here with crossed legs,
staring with a blank expression,
wondering what divine creature
could paint such a beautiful image.

Eventually the lack of blood in my legs,
gives me the numbness which I've grown so fond of.
And my thoughts return to reality.
It makes me realize that one person,
could only think so much,
before snapping out of his pondering trance.

Out of nowhere,
a ray of bright light
spawns upon the horizon.
Greeting the lands with its yellow glow.

It makes me remember
that this beautiful spectacle
repeats itself day by day.
When will it stop?
Nobody knows for sure.
But until then , I will always be here,
Watching.