Love.

It comes in many forms.

But the way that I love you,

is just one of those things that cant be described.

Of course I can try to,

but,

the only way to know what it feels like

is to actually feel it.

I hope you never stop feeling my love.

And I know that I will never stop  making you feel it.

Her..

The anger inside is building.
I can feel it,
crawling through my heart,
surrounding my blood vessels with darkness.
Carving its name into my veins.
Creeping up through my throat.
Its presence, in such a state of vividness.
I can almost taste it in my mouth.
Twisting my words,
and personifying my fears.

I unwillingly leave it to grow and flourish
inside of my already rotting carcass.
Eating away at the remnants of my sanity.
Clawing out the soul.
And embodying my will with an everlasting void.
But my exterior shows no sign of damage.
The darkness...
it hides too well.

The clock moves at the speed of light.
It starts to slip.
My grip on reality is losing its strength.
I have no anchor to hold me down.
Gravity seizes to exist.
In this moment, I am nothing.
Like a speck of dust, blowing in the cold wind.
Like a dying leaf, falling off a well aged tree.
Like the sad reality an ant has to face
when it is accidentally crushed by an oblivious human being.

I want these emotions to end.
I want them to leave my body and soul in peace.
The only way..
is to bring that peace to myself.
I step onto the edge, waiting for a sign.
Anything, to let me know that I am ready.
Ready to leave this world of pain and suffering.

Just as I shift my weight towards the fall,
something pushes me back.
A presence so pure,
and yet, so radiant.
A presence i never expected to turn up.
It caught me by surprise,
and it made me smile,
both on the inside and outside.
That presence,
was Her.

She held my hand, and lead me through a path.
A path which I never thought I could ever face with anybody.
We broke through the walls.
We climbed over the harsh, rocky hills.
We swam across the unforgiving seas.
And we emerged, beaten and scarred,
but still she never let go of my hand.
Even if her grasp almost slipped away,
I still held on
as tight as I possibly could.

She cleansed me of the darkness.
She removed the fear and anger inside me.
She helped me evolve.
Before I met her, I was a boy.
But when she first held my hand,
I knew that she could help me become a man.

I am still not there yet,
but at least I know that the darkness is fading.
I can feel it oh so well.
This feeling I have longed to feel
ever since I felt the anger building.
It is a feeling i have grown to love so much.

All I can do for now is hope.
That she will not let go of my hand.
Even if she does,
I will learn to accept it.
It will be difficult.
But i am willing to face it.
Because I will never let go of hers.

As she opened her soul to me,

I started to see the sadness in her eyes.

All the pain she has been through.

All the heartbreak she had faced.

She has been through a lot.

Things that nobody could even imagine.

The scars remain,

But at least her pain is gone.

Still, days remain,

where the pain redirects itself back to her.

But in the end,

She always pulls through.

This girl,

victimized by the world,

her heart still in pieces,

has managed to make it through everything.

She deserves better,

she deserves to be treated like a princess.

She deserves to feel wanted, to feel like there is no pain to look back at.

She deserves to be loved.

I may not be the sharpest knife in the set.

I may not be the cleanest needle on the syringe.

I may not be the prettiest potato in the bag.

But I know that I want her to be happy.

And I want to be  the one who can always make her happy.

She deserves it.

Oliveu.

I have long wondered what it feels like,
to feel pain.
Physical pain,
inflicted by my own will and intention.
To be specific,
a razor cutting into my my skin.
But alas, I have never had the guts to actually try it.
But I have intended to, countless times.

She used to do it.
This girl,
my girl,
the girl I want to marry.
The girl i want to spend the rest of my remaining decades with.
I still remember when I saw the marks on her wrist,
and all over her arm.

I kissed her on her scars.
Not only because I accept her for her past,
but mainly because she has remained strong through her almost 18 years of living.
I told her "Never again." as my glance shifted from her wounds to her eyes.
She gave me a smile.
A smile filled with love and acceptance.
A smile worth a thousand words,
A smile I would die for to be able to see everyday.

I will never forget that smile.
Because that smile was for me.
I want to make her smile like that all the time.
And make her feel like there is no more pain left waiting for her.

Time flew by.
And a day came when she said,
"I have the urge to cut."
I shattered on the inside
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach.

I felt as if i had failed her as a partner.
I had failed as a boyfriend.
There was nothing i could do.
Because I was here and she was there.

I wanted to call, but i was in the middle of my mother and grandmother.
But i made a hasty escape to the kitchen and i dialled.
When i heard her voice, i felt the weight lift off my shoulders,
but when she said she had to go, the weight came back, tenfold.

Now i sit here alone in my room.
Again.
I can only imagine what she is doing.
I want her to be happy.
I want her to be safe.
I want her to know that i am here for her.
I am her rock.
and she is mine.

Through Heaven, Hell and back.
Through all the bullshit.
We are a team.
Oliveu...
forever and always.

Behind My Smile

She will never know what lies behind my smile.
A smile so convincing you would never think twice.
Like a mask, so real.
As real as the morning sky is blue.
That, being an illusion.

I smiled as she walked away.
Nothing more than what most of us call 'just a friend'.
As our hands stopped waving
and the view of her left my gaze,
it started to set in.

The loneliness, it creeped up from behind.
As it lightly gripped my shoulders in its bloodless hands.
I knew it would come back eventually.
Entering my soul and filling it with an empty body.

An unknown body of darkness,
its skin as hard as stone.
Yet, with a core so meaningless, but at the same time , dense.
Dense with its vastly barren plane.
A plane which does not exist,
leaving an undesirable shadow,
indented into my starved emotions.


"I wish I was as happy as you." Her final words before she left.
That voice of hers ringed in my head.
If only you knew what lies behind my smile.
But alas, you will never know.

One

Sometimes you feel that a person you were once so close with has abandoned you , forgotten about you, walked away.. But has there ever been a moment where you ask yourself.."am i the one who walked away?? Have i done the same to anybody else?" There is still time. Its never too late to put your pride aside. One word , is enough. One action , is all it takes. 

Watching

A dim light shines in the night sky.
The moon , it seems,
casts an eerie glow upon all of its spectators.
Like a blanket of glowing dust,
evenly spread throughout the misty planes.

I sit here with crossed legs,
staring with a blank expression,
wondering what divine creature
could paint such a beautiful image.

Eventually the lack of blood in my legs,
gives me the numbness which I've grown so fond of.
And my thoughts return to reality.
It makes me realize that one person,
could only think so much,
before snapping out of his pondering trance.

Out of nowhere,
a ray of bright light
spawns upon the horizon.
Greeting the lands with its yellow glow.

It makes me remember
that this beautiful spectacle
repeats itself day by day.
When will it stop?
Nobody knows for sure.
But until then , I will always be here,
Watching.